I want to try and use writing as a therapy.
So here goes nothing….
I’d like to begin at the start of it all, but I think I’ll start with what I’m struggling with most, my health.
I am sick. This all started in 2009 but it didn’t quite hit me as hard as it did last Friday. I guess it’s because I’ve never considered myself as being “sick”. It wasn’t until my doctor looked at me and said “you’re sick, and it sucks”. He was right, it does suck.
He told me he has five patients that he worries about and that I am one of them. Naturally, doctors will worry about a patient that is a medical mystery. A genetic mess. Idiopathic problems stemming from the unknown. It all sounds reassuring doesn’t it?
So far I may sound bitter, I guess I am. But more than that, I’m scared. You see, nearly three weeks ago I collapsed while I was at school. I felt OK for the rest of that week but then started to feel worse over the weekend. I have times ever since the problems first started that I have a lot of heart rhythm disturbances. Then other times I almost feel normal. I was out of work for an entire week, pretty much confined to my bedroom because every time I moved my heart would go haywire. I had my driving privileges taken away (mind you it was a week after buying myself a brand new car) and I had to take an incomplete at school.
These episodes are becoming more frequent and unfortunately are not responding to medications. I was told Friday that they would need to go in and do a procedure on my heart within the next couple of weeks. I cried, I cried a lot. And for the first time in a long time I had this sense of impending doom that I just couldn’t shake.
It’s a terrible feeling. Knowing that your heart literally beats to a different drum. My arrythmias have always been short, lasting all but a second. Now they are lasting minutes. Which explains why I collapsed. I have an internal defibrillator just in case I ever need it, but it’s absolutely terrifying waiting for that thing to go off. I’m told I am more safe than someone without one. I have no doubt that it’s true. But the thing is, I have to rely on that. It’s a constant reminder that I have a life-threatening arrythmia and a tiny pager-like device with wires is going to save my life. The science is there but it’s a hard thing to accept.
This all has been hard. I’ve been so close to answers, promising ones at best. But nothing turns up. All I can do is hope that I’m on the right track to getting an answer and hopefully one that comes with treatment. In the meantime I am going to continue to live my life because I want to live and I want to continue to fight and beat whatever this is. I have an amazingly awesome support system and I know that I can get through this but in times of doubt I can’t help but feel hopeless.
Please be kind to everyone, you never know what someone is going through.