Dear life, please stop throwing lemons at me. 

As of yesterday I was supposed to be getting my genetic results in just one week. Key word’s “supposed to be”.

On Wednesday morning I got a call from the geneticist’s office asking to move my appointment. A part of me wasn’t surprised one bit. Nothing has been on time, in my favor, or just plain old on track for what feels like forever now. 

The appointment has been moved to the end of October. Most of you will say “just one more month”. But here’s the thing, it’s one more month after waiting 4 months and then 6 months before that and then 3 months before that and so on. It’s been two years of waiting hopelessly for a diagnosis. 

Most people are not as eager when it comes to waiting for a diagnosis. But for me, it’s not a diagnosis that scares me. Having all these health issues that can’t be explained or fixed, that scares me. 

When I get these results I am well aware of the possible outcomes. One, I have a mutation that they know about. Two, I have a mutation they don’t know about. Or three, not having any mutations. There are 5,000 some odd genes out of 20,000-25,000 that science understands. I’ve been told by multiple doctors that this kind of testing doesn’t usually bring good news, if any news at all. 

Like I’ve mentioned before, the unknown is just to scary. There are many different opinions on the subject , but I myself, can’t take a chance of not knowing something that could possibly bring treatment options. My geneticist wouldn’t have gone through with the testing if there wasn’t some hope behind it. 

The first thing that came to my mind, as well as my mom’s was that maybe they found something and need more time to cross check. I was so excited for these results. I still am. Unfortunately, there is nothing I can do about them not being ready yet, so all I can do is continue to be patient. 

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t scared. My emotions have been all over the place. No matter what news I get it’s going to be emotional. I’ve had nightmares all week. Tossing and turning all night. The lack of sleep and stress has really got to me. I’m ready, but I’m not ready. How does one prepare for this? Are my results going to give me hope? Or are they going to take away all my hope? 

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