I’ve done a lot of crying and not enough writing. It has been a long time since I’ve written.
Truth is, I couldn’t bring myself to express the pain I had this past April when we had to put our dog down. I didn’t want to accept that he was getting old, because I wanted him to be around forever and ever. I couldn’t imagine my life without my best friend. And yeah, maybe I haven’t experienced loss at the magnitude of others but this was a tough one. I grew up with him. I had him for 16 years, the greater part of my life. He was everything to me. His love was so unconditional and honest. He was always excited to see me, as I was to see him wether I had been gone a week or five minutes. I miss that most I think. The homecomings. They were the best part of the day. I’d get so excited. I also miss the companionship. He was always there. Always. I think about him everyday, I stare at pictures and STILL sometimes expect him at the door or to be there begging for my food. I’ve looked for him in the backyard when he wasn’t inside. He was sick and it was his time. I always told him to wait until they fixed my heart so that I could handle the heartbreak of losing him. He couldn’t wait, and I don’t blame him. It was selfish of me to ask. I miss him and I will forever be heartbroken.
After that heartbreak, there was finally an attempt to fix it. I had my ablation. Last week to be exact. I unfortunately have less and less good days and that’s been going on for a long time now. It needed to be done. I was desperate. It went as well as it could’ve gone. It’s a waiting game and the recovery is tough but I will get there. It takes about 3 months for the scars to heal. I don’t feel better yet, but I still have hope. I also had a biopsy of my heart (results pending). This may help to diagnose me. I have met with a few new specialists and everything seems to be moving in the right direction, and a few more to add to my list in the near future. I have a doctor that is on to something. He’s out of the box and I honestly think if anyone’s going to figure it out, it would be him. He said I’m in the beginning stages of heart failure. He has been increasing on of my meds to help with those symptoms.
My defibrillator went off again. Just a few weeks before my scheduled procedure and on the day of my best friends wedding. This time it was ventricular fibrillation. My heart stopped working properly and I wasn’t getting enough blood circulated so I was unconscious. Luckily, I was with all my friends because we were just about to head out to get our hair and makeup done. They called 911, I was brought to the hospital. I felt like and ass. I didn’t want to take any attention off the beautiful bride. With a little convincing after a few hours and some testing I was discharged with strict instructions to return if I started to not feel well. I made it to the salon in time for hair and makeup. I was even able to make it to pictures! The only thing I skipped was walking down the aisle. But, I sat front row and got to witness one of the most beautiful things I’ve seen. I was so happy to be there and be a part of it.
I often don’t realize how strong I am. I don’t see it because I don’t feel it. I always feel like I’m breaking. I feel weak and helpless. But when I think about that day all I see is strength. I was in cardiac arrest at 8 am and by 12:30 I was sitting in a chair getting my hair and makeup done. Then I stood for hours as we took pictures. I wasn’t able to dance or get drunk and fight for a bouquet but I was there, and that is strength.
I’m going to try and remind myself of that more often. It’s the first step to not letting this ruin me. I hope you all remind yourselves of your strengths.