I haven’t written in a while. To be completely honest I haven’t been feeling well mentally. But I realized something today, something I’d like to share.
I think we all need a gentle reminder to not only be kind to others but to be kind to ourselves. It’s frustrating that we need reminders, but I think it’s absolutely necessary.
While having a conversation with a friend, the topic of confidence came up. He asked why I didn’t have confidence. I simply stated that it was because I didn’t like the way I looked. He was sure that there was at least one thing I loved about myself. I told him I wasn’t happy with my weight, I didn’t like any of my features. I also said that looking in the mirror was difficult, seeing pictures of myself, even more difficult. I just assume if I’m not happy with those things, no one else would be.
I then said that the only thing I’m confident about was on the inside. He looked at me equal parts confused and intrigued. I explained that as corny as it sounds the one thing I love about myself is my heart. I told him that I knew my heart was good, great even.
Despite anatomical and physiological flaws, my heart is, indeed, the one thing that I love about myself. I’m confident in knowing that the love that comes from my heart is unconditional. Love and kindness both come from the heart and I enjoy giving both so freely. It’s what makes me happy.
The lack of confidence in my physical appearance is tied to many years of being bullied, rejected, and judged. But that never stopped me from being kind and giving love, even if it was truly undeserved. That’s why I love my heart. Although it has seen and felt hate, it never held onto it.
I was genuinely happy speaking about my heart and how proud I was to have always used it for good. Then I became sad. My heart is failing. Which means one day I’m going to have to say goodbye to the one thing that I love about myself. I realized that this was what had been hurting me all along, I just couldn’t vocalize it until now.
Ever since being told I was in heart failure my mental health has been all over the place. I thought it was because it took away my career. Then I thought maybe it took away my youth, or even my chance at having a family. Although it did take away those things, that wasn’t why I was upset. Those just barely scratched the surface. I was upset because the one thing in my life that I knew would never let me down, was failing.
I will leave you with a quote of my own.
“A failing heart still holds love, and that will never change” -Kate Binnall
Be kind,
Kate
katebinnall 